Kanasî Sake
by Dreamstrider
Summary: Inspired by Taiki Matsuki's 'The Passion of the Cut Sleeve' and 'Duan Xiu Zhi Pi', Kanasî Sake is a 'what-if' detailing a romance between Yamaki Mitsuo and Li Janyuu. Rated 'T' for dark content. I'm hoping to make a fresh start on stories from now on.
1. Author's Note

_A Message from the Author:_

Hello to the three or four of you that read my old works. I've discontinued them because I want to focus on a more developed writing style (I wrote those a few years ago, and it's changed quite a bit). I'm not going to take them down, though, because I've decided I'd rather own my past mistakes (not that I don't understand or have sympathy for people who do take their works down; it's just a personal preference for myself, and it's not like I haven't thought about it before). If anyone wants me to finish them, I think I have a vague recollection of how I was going to end them; I might cobble an ending together if begging is involved (not that it ever will be, so the point is essentially moot).

I prefer to use native Japanese Romanization for Japanese terms, which is called Kunrê-Siki Rômazi (which means "Cabinet-Ordered Roman-Characters"). The type of Romanization that most English speakers are familiar with is called Hepburn Romanization (which is its inventor's name). Kunrê-Siki is based on the ancient sounds of the phonetic characters in Japanese (kana) and does not reflect modern pronunciation. For anyone who's read anything by CLAMP, you'll notice they tend to prefer this system; look at the Romanized Japanese in _Tsubasa_ and _Cardcaptor Sakura_. So here's a conversion table for the major differences, and a bit of a guide on Japanese pronunciation in general.

â = ā, aa (basically the "a" in "father"; there's nothing closer in English.)

î = ī, ii (like the "ee" in feet; in some words it's virtually silent (ex: _asita_ ("tomorrow") _desita_ ("was"), and ~_masita_ (a suffix used to make past-tense verbs more polite)).)

û = ū, uu (just say it like the "oo" in "boot"; there's no English equivalent for this one; like "i", it's almost silent in some words, like _desu_ ("is"), _amaterasu_ (the name of the Sun Goddess in the Japanese folk religion, Sintô), and ~_masu_ (the present-tense equivalent of _~masita_).)

ê = ē, ee, ei (somewhere between the "e" in bed and the "ai" in "aid"; probably closer to the first one.)

ô = ō, oo, ou, oh (similar to the "aw" in "straw".)

si = shi (not exactly like English "sh", but as (one of) my mother(s) would say, it's close enough for government work. It's the same as "xi" in Mandarin Chinese.)

ti = chi (same as "si", but with a "t" in front of it. It's the same as "ji" in Mandarin Chinese.)

tu = tsu (basically the "ts" in "hats".)

hu = fu (although this sound is much closer to "hu" in English, so you might as well pronounce it that way.)

n, n' = m (before m, b, or p; this sound is really dynamic, and changes based on the sounds directly following (or sometimes preceding) it; if you want to know more, look up the Wikipedia article called "N (Kana)".)

zi = ji (technically pronounced like the "g" in "gym" at the beginning of a word, but like the "s" in "vision" in the middle of a word, though not all speakers make a distinction; the same is true of the "z" in "za", "zu", "ze" and "zo": like the "ds" in "kids" at the beginning of a word, and like the "z" in "zebra" in the middle; again, this isn't followed as carefully anymore. Some older Japanese speakers make a distinction like this for "ga", "gi", "gu", "ge", and "go": in the beginning of a word they pronounce them like the "g" in "game", but in the middle, like the "ng" in "ring"; nowadays they're both pronounced the first way, but you may hear the "ng" sound in some older movies or songs; for the latter, especially in Enka, where it's even occasionally used by younger speakers imitating their older counterparts; if you listen carefully to "Otoko Sibuki" from Digimon Tamers, which is based off Enka songs, you'll notice that Hirokazu and Kenta do this about three times.)

sya = sha (for anyone who knows _Cardcaptor Sakura_, now you know where all that confusion over whether to write a certain Chinese boy's first name as "Shaoran" or "Syaoran" came from.)

syu = shu

syo = sho

tya = cha

tyu = chu

tyo = cho

zya = ja, jya

zyu = ju, jyu

zyo = jo, jyo (this is the source of the dispute over whether to spell the name of a certain Chosen Child from Digimon Adventure as "Jou" or "Jyou"; using differing systems for long vowels, this could become "Joo", "Jyoo", "Joh", "Jyoh", "Jō", "Jyō", "Jô", or even "Jyô", not that you needed to know all that.)

Also, "r" is pronounced like the "d" in "ready" in American English (there's really no equivalent for other English dialects; some Japanese people say it's more similar to the English "l" than "r"; if you speak a language other than English, and it has an r-like sound, chances are it's pronounced this way).

I'm also going to use Japanese name order (that means last name first) and the original names (because I hate the dubs with a deep passion; the fact that they assume that people are so stupid that they wouldn't be able to figure out how to pronounce "Taichi" or "Matsuda", or (for God's sake) "Li" is something that kind of infuriates me. And if it's because they don't think the original names are stereotypical enough (which is what I suspect) well, that's even worse). Finally, I'm going to try to avoid using random Japanese in the story, so it'll mostly be limited to names and a few honorifics that I can't find an appropriate English translation for (like "~tyan" and "~kun").

And now, after that 'little' rant, here's the story (which I certainly hope is worth all the trouble it took to read all that…).

—Dreamstrider


	2. Chapter 1

I'm going to do it this time. I just know it.

But it sure is a long way down…

I look down at my hands. It's so cold that I can barely feel them. I don't even think I'd remember that they were attached to me if I wasn't looking right at them. I can hardly believe they belong to me. I can hardly believe _I_ belong to me.

I look up. The night air whips across my face. The lights from the city look like little gems below me. They're always so beautiful.

Whenever I come up here, I always look at the windows below, at the people inside them. I think about their lives. Not one of them could understand what's going through my mind. In the morning, when they find me on the street, they'll wonder about _my_ life; they'll try to figure out what could possibly lead me to this. They'll come up with all sorts of reasons, they'll try to understand. Why do people suddenly want to understand after it's already too late? Why can't they care while we're still alive?

And they'll never know why, anyway. There's only one person in the world who'll understand.

Zyan-tyan…

My Zyan-tyan…

No, not mine; not anymore. Now he's someone else's Zyan-tyan.

Zyan-tyan: my first and only love, my spirit, my…life.

My life, that's been ripped from me violently and without warning.

I think about today. I really never thought I would see you again. Such a wonderful family you have now, Zyan-tyan. I guess that only proves that I'm just a worthless blip in your life. I doubt you even remember all of the time we spent together. I'm the only one who can't live in the present. I'm the only one who can't let go of the past.

Well, now I'm going to join it. Maybe I'll have better luck in my next life. _If_ I get another chance with Zyan-tyan.

I sigh heavily.

What will he think if he finds out? Will he be disappointed? Will he hate me?

No, I can't think about that now. Anyway, he doesn't care about me anymore. He'll just see the soulless body, the same as everyone else. He won't remember the years we had. All the times we had together. He won't remember all the times he told me he loved me, all the times he held me and told me it would never end…

I guess we were fools back then, weren't we, Zyan-tyan? We thought it could go on forever, we thought that nothing would ever come between us.

How wrong we were…It's incredibly easy to come between two lovers, especially when you're in power. How foolish we must have been to believe that _we_ would be any different. No, how foolish we must have been that we didn't even _consider_ the idea that we might not be together for the rest of our lives.

Well, Zyan-tyan, I guess I'm the only fool now. I'm the one who's about to fling myself of the top of a building because I'm still such a fool that I can't get over you, because I have no other reason for living. I'm such a fool that I never found another.

I stare down at the street below. It sure is a long way down…

But I can't help remembering the past. That's my life now, the past. It has been for so many years.

So as I stand on the top of this building, I remember those years, and everything I've lost…

* * *

Notes: Okay, first off I just want to say that I don't own Digimon (in case you didn't know that already).

Secondly, I need to give a huge thank-you to 'Ori' and 'Taiki' (author and editor, respectively, on Taiki Matsuki's profile) for several things. First-of-all, this story was largely inspired after I read "The Passion of The Cut Sleeve" and "Duan Xiu Zhi Pi" (which you should definitely read—now!), and I most certainly wouldn't have come up with an idea like this without them. I even got explicit permission from them to publish this. Second-of-all, I'd like to thank them for inspiring me to write again; I probably would never have worked up the courage to do so if I hadn't read about their 'Re-Upload Project'. Finally they've proved that really amazing fanfiction does exist, and graced us all with their talent at writing and editing (and if you haven't yet been graced, go read their stuff now—my favorites were probably the above mentioned two stories (which are a continuity) and the "Save File"—"Pass The Soy Sauce"—"Christmas Dinner"—"Kako Mo Ima Mo Mirai Mo Kakenukero"—"Mirai No Kodomo" continuity, though everything I've read of theirs is great).

Thirdly, thank you to any people who read my previous stories and stuck around long enough to see this one.

Also, if anyone is really bothered by the Kunrê-Siki Rômazi (that is, if you think it detracts from the story), tell me; if enough people complain (assuming more than two people review, that is), I might go back and change it. Just for clarification, "~tyan" is "~chan", an honorific indicating affection and/or familiarity; it might be used by lovers, or by parents referring to a young boy, or to refer to a girl of more variant ages by almost anyone.

—Dreamstrider


	3. Chapter 2

"Mituo-tyan! Come here! I've got great news!"

"Coming, Mother!" I say, truly excited, walking over to the door. "What is it?"

"We're going to go see Misora Hibari at the Tôkyô Dome! Isn't that great?"

"Oh…yeah, that's great, Mother," I say, trying to hide my disappointment. Oh, Mom and her obsession with Enka…

"Oh, come on Mituo!" she says, seeing right through me. "You always refuse to even _listen_ to Kasuga Hatirô, or Murata Hideo; you've never even _heard_ Misora Hibari! Just give it a try, okay?"

"Okay, Mother," I say, bowing my head a little.

Mom frowns a little; she knows I'll go along no matter what I want, but she likes people to actually agree with her, not just to submit to her. Suddenly, a smile spreads across her face.

"Mituo, why don't you invite that Chinese boy…um…Zyan'yû? I got a ticket for Kazuko for her birthday, but she's already got one from her boyfriend…anyway, I bet you'd enjoy it more if he was along—you two always have so much fun together!"

When I hear 'Zyan' and 'boyfriend' so close to each other, I blush a little—but I don't think Mom sees it. That was close! If I'm not more careful, she's going to catch me one of these days…

"Mituo? Hello? Don't you want to invite your friend?"

I snap back to reality. "Of course! I definitely want to go with Zyan-kun!"

"That's my Mituo! Now, go call him. The concert is three weeks from now, on the 23rd. Go tell him quickly before he makes other plans!"

"Thank you very much Mother!" I say, bowing to her, perhaps a little more deeply than I needed to, and then I run to my room and close the door. I pick the phone up off the night-stand, and stretch the cord over to my bed.

I sit down on my bed with the phone in my hand and I smile. I love getting to see Zyan-kun.

Actually, I just love Zyan-kun.

Wow…that's still a little hard to say. Or even think. But I'm starting to get used to it.

I'm a homosexual.

And I'm in love with my best friend. He's the best friend I've ever had. He's just so wonderful. And beautiful. He's so…everything.

I was so scared when I realized it. I found out one day when I went to the movie theater with a few of my friends. It turned out to be a bust of a movie, and Tuyosi and Tomoko started kissing in the row in front of me. I was half paying attention to the movie while watching them. And then, without warning, I thought: Wow, I'd really like to be in Tomoko's place. Then I felt a wave of fear rush over me. I can't be like that! I can't want to kiss boys! That's not right!

I tried to change myself, I really did. When I went to school the next day, I tried to look at the girls in the hallway and convince myself that I thought they were cute. But after about two weeks of that, I realized that I couldn't; my eyes kept drifting to the boys instead. I was disgusted with myself. I thought that I had some sort of sexual obsession with boys.

But then I met Zyan-kun—and fell in love with him almost immediately. And, ironically, that's what made me realize that these feelings were about love, not sex. And that made me feel _so_ much better. It made it a lot easier to accept myself. Even if I do still have trouble sometimes.

But I always think, whenever I start to think that there's something wrong with me: how could anything that made me fall in love with Zyan-kun be wrong? How could these feelings, this happiness, this sense of 'being alive', be wrong?

I go to dial the number. The phone rings several times. After a few minutes, the recording tape begins to play.

"_Hello, you've reached 03-7392-1640. We're not home right now. Please don't forget to wait for the beep! _" BEEP.

"Hello? This is Yamaki Mituo speaking. This is for Li Zyan'yû. I wanted to know if he is free to go to a performance by Misora Hibari on April 23rd. Sorry for the inconvenience."

I put the phone down on the receiver. I just smile for a bit. It sure is nice to be in love…

I'm so caught up in thinking about Zyan-kun that I don't even realize how much time is going by…

"Mituo! Dinner's ready!" Mom calls from the other room. "We're having udon!"

"Coming, Mother!" I call back. I get up, glance at the phone again, and then go off to the dining room.

* * *

Notes: Please tell me what you think; I love constructive criticism, and I'm rather unfazed about non-constructive criticism. Just two notes on things that might be confusing.

Firstly, Misora Hibari is real; she's widely regarded in Japan as one of (if not the) greatest singers ever; she's kind of like Frank Sinatra with the audience and name recognition of Elvis Presley. Even those who don't remember her from her hey-day have usually heard of her, and she was viewed by many as a symbol of Japan's rebirth after World War II. The concert I allude to is also real; it occurred in April of 1988, about a year before she died. You should look her up if you haven't heard of her, because she's awesome!

Lastly, I want to discuss Yamaki's use of the word 'homosexual' to refer to himself. While this is a technical term, it is largely viewed as offensive, especially to younger members of the LGBT community, like me, because of its association with homophobes who use it to distance themselves from the issue and dehumanize us, as well as with the period of time in which 'homosexuality' was classified as a mental illness. I personally try to avoid using it in favor of terms like 'gay' or 'gayness' (which I don't think is actually a real word…but I use it anyway!) because of this reason. However, in order to be accurate with the time period, I feel that it's necessary; the word 'gay' hadn't come into wide-spread use by that time either, and the word wouldn't have been viewed the same way in that time. So, if this was in Japanese (which we're imagining it is), Yamaki would probably refer to himself as _dôsêaisya_ (literally 'same-sex-loving-person').

—Dreamstrider


	4. Chapter 3

The concert's tonight…I'm so excited, and anxious, and just plain _happy_ that I'll get to spend an entire evening with Zyan-kun. I'm so worried about it that I'm standing here in front of the mirror trying to make sure I look 'acceptable' in this suit.

My God, I think I'm getting worse. If this keeps going the same way, I'll be literally unable to do anything but flail around thinking about Zyan-kun.

That image makes me laugh. I'm still getting ahead of myself, anyway; I have no way of ever knowing whether Zyan-kun is 'like me' or not. I mean, what are the odds of that, anyway? Unless he's a homosexual, I guess whether or not I'm 'acceptable' isn't going to faze him much one way or the other—the fact that I'm considering what he might think of my looks _might_ very well, though…

Still, I guess a boy can dream…

"Mituo, come on, we have to leave now!" I hear my mom shout. "We can't be late! It's going to fill up _fast_, Mituo!"

"Okay, Mother!" I yell downstairs. I check myself and adjust my tie one more time, and then go down to meet her.

Mom is dressed in one of her best dresses, and she looks rather worried.

"It's okay, Mother," I say reassuringly. "I'm sure they have it all well-organized; we should be fine."

"I know, but it's just a bit stressful," she says. "I haven't seen Ms. Hibari since I was young; it's just kind of hard to believe. It's amazing she's managed to make such a great recovery from her illness, too…

"Anyway—Mituo, Zyan'yû-kun should be here any minute—oh!"

The service phone on the wall rings suddenly, and Mom picks it up.

"Hello? Oh, hello, Zyan'yû-kun. We will be right there. Please wait for us."

"Shuō Cáo Cāo, Cáo Cāo jiù dào," I say to myself with a smile: Zyan-kun taught me to say that in Chinese….

"What was that Mituo?" Mom asks. "Why are you smiling?"

"Oh—nothing!" I say quickly, trying not to look too flabbergasted. Mom smiles to herself knowingly, but then remembers the concert, and the waiting guest below, and her natural courtesy instinct kicks in. "Come on Mituo, we can't keep your friend waiting for so long! Let's go!"

We leave the apartment and go to the elevator, and then get on it. I feel really anxious, just like I have every time I've seen Zyan-kun recently. I've been battling with myself lately. I really want to tell Zyan-kun how I feel about him, but…I'm so damn scared. I guess I'm visibly upset, because Mom is looking at me worriedly.

"Mituo, is anything wrong?" she says with a sigh. "I've noticed you haven't quite been yourself lately. Is something bothering you?"

"N-no, it's nothing, Mother," I say quickly. "I'm just a bit tired, that's all. I have to study for those entrance exams next month, and I haven't slept as much as usual in a while."

Mom doesn't quite look convinced, but she seems to give it for now. "Well, Mituo, in that case, just do your best!" she says, giving me a smile that's meant to be encouraging.

The doors open, and we step out. And I see Zyan-kun waiting right in front us. My heart turns over when I look into those smiling eyes.

"Zyan'yû-kun, have you been healthy?" Mom asks.

"Yes, Mrs. Yamaki," Zyan-kun says. "And how have you been feeling?"

"I've been fine, thank you," Mom says.

"How are you, Mituo-kun?" Zyan-kun asks me.

"I've been good," I say. "Though I've just been a little tired."

"Are you okay?" he asks. "Is anything wrong?"

"Oh, nothing really," I say, smiling a bit awkwardly. Just one of the _many_ reasons I…love…Zyan-kun: he always worries about people; he always wants to make sure others are happy. "I'm just a bit tired from studying for the upper secondary school entrance exams, that's all."

Zyan-kun frowns for a second, then hides it with a smile. "Oh, yeah, I have those too. Let's do our best!"

"Shall we go then?" my mom says smiling, and even though she betrays no outward signs of it, I know she's very impatient. "We should get there a little early so we can get in without too much trouble."

"Oh—of course Mrs. Yamaki!" says Zyan-kun with a slight bow of apology. "Sorry for keeping you waiting!"

"Oh no, it's perfectly fine," she says, and this time I know she's feeling relieved. "We'll be fine, don't worry."

We leave the building in a rather awkward silence and go to Sibuya Station. Then we buy tickets and get on a train to Bunkyô.

* * *

Notes: Hello, possibly non-existent readers! It's me again. Here are the 'clarity notes' for this chapter.

First of all, the phrase 'shuō Cáo Cāo, Cáo Cāo jiù dào' is Mandarin Chinese. I learned it from 'Ori' (the writer on Taiki Matsuki's profile), and thought it would serve the story well, for the same reason Ori uses it. An explanation of it is given on his profile, which I feel reasonably justified pasting here; Ori speaks Mandarin, after all, while I don't:

_"Shuo Cao Cao, Cao Cao Jiu Dao:'_Speak of Cao Cao, Cao Cao is there.' This is basically the Chinese equivalent of 'speak of the devil.' When a Japanese speaker says this, they usually refer to Cao Cao as 'Sou Sou,' ('Speak of Sou Sou, Sou Sou is there.') this is because 'Sou Sou' is how 'Cao Cao' is pronounced in Japanese. Japanese speaking characters tend to do this in Ori's fics unless they speak Mandarin such as the Lis, Takato in a couple fics and Osamu once in _My Brother."_

I'm not completely sure I got the tones right, so if you're reading this, Ori, please tell me. Thanks!

By the way, I prefer to try to translate what I can into English, while retaining the 'feel' of Japanese, so I won't be using much un-translated Japanese, and if I do, I'll put a note, like this.

Next, the whole 'let's try our best' thing. In Japanese, it's '頑張りましょう' (_ganbarimasyô)_, and it's a really common phrase. While in English, it sounds a bit weird to say this so often, it really just doesn't in Japanese.

Finally, Sibuya and Bunkyô are 'Special Wards' of Tôkyô—kind of like mini-cities within Tôkyô. The Sibuya Station is one of the more famous metro stations in Tôkyô, but it's also just the main one in Sibuya Ward, which is where I've decided to have Zyan'yû and Mituo live. In the late 1980s, Sibuya was just starting to get its reputation as a 'cool' place to live, so it's possible to imagine that Zyan and Mituo's families moved there before it became so popular. I'll leave that up for the reader to decide.

—Dreamstrider


	5. Chapter 4

Yes, Sibuya Station. That was the last thing I did before my life changed. Before the best moment of my life would occur. It all started with 'Zinsê Itiro'. I was about to take my first steps out onto the 'Road of Life'.

If only I'd known what would happen to me when I took those steps. I chose love. I chose to press on, against all the odds. I could never have guessed that the thing that would stop me would be so…_circumstantial_.

How was I even going to know that I could possibly have you? How did I ever gain the courage to tell you how I felt? How could I possibly have been so apathetic to going to see _Ms. Hibari_, for God's sake? How could I not see that that would be the single most important thing to ever happen in my life?

And how could I possibly believe that it could last?

Zyan-tyan…oh, Zyan-tyan. I wish I'd never loved you. I wish you'd never blessed my life. Then I wouldn't have anything to regret.

My shirt is whipping in the wind. I suppose if I wasn't such an emotional wreck it would be unbearable along with the burning cold air surrounding me. Well, maybe I won't even have to jump. Maybe I'll freeze to death first.

For the first time, I clutch to a pole extruding from the building's roof. I guess I still have some of that natural instinct left: I really don't want to die.

But then, what else will I do? If I get off this roof and go downstairs, I know that no one will even be suspicious. Onodera and Ôtori will have no reason to doubt that I really did just come up here for fresh air. I do it all the time, after all: what should have made them think this was anything different?

I try to imagine what they'll think when they find me. Their mysterious boss, finally succumbing to some unknown internal dilemma. Will they be upset? Or relieved? I'm not quite sure which would make me feel better.

Oh, Zyan-tyan…that day, the day that everything changed…we were so happy; we felt like we could walk on air. Everything changed, everything was going to be perfect. All we needed was each other. We completed each other.

At least that's what I thought. I guess you didn't need me after all.

Were you actually ever in love with me? Was all that just a show? Were you just humoring a hopeless friend? Just to turn around and marry a woman? Maybe you were _glad_ when it ended. Were you relieved to be rid of me, Zyan-tyan?

No! Zyan-tyan wouldn't do that to me! I should know that!

It's me who has a problem, not Zyan-tyan. I'm the only one I have to blame for my screwed up life.

I cling closer to the pole. It's starting to feel like my arm will fall off from numbness. But I don't really seem to care. I'm barely aware of my body; it's like I'm in a trance.

Why did I ever have to hear those words? To feel the flames of courage burning within me, to feel my spirit pushing me on through my entire ordeal.

To be able to do the things I needed to. To tell Zyan-tyan that I loved him.

It all started with 'Zinsê Itiro'.

Yes, it started with 'Zinsê Itiro', but it's going to end with 'Kanasî Sake'.

* * *

Notes: Another 'present-day' chapter. I admit, I'm still not quite sure what to do with Yamaki. I really have everything else planned out, but I'm not sure what to do with that. I think I might be influenced by reviewers. If you want Yamaki to live, beg for his life in a review! And while you're at it, go ahead and tell me what you think about the story, whether it's good or bad. Now for clarity notes.

The words 'Zinsê Itiro' and 'Kanasî Sake' are important, but I'm not going to explain them here because you're not actually supposed to know what they mean until later. If you want, you can look them up, but you're only going to ruin the story for yourself.

Also, 'Onodera' and Ôtori' are better known as 'Megumi' and 'Rêka', respectively, or even better as 'those two women who operate the Hypnos machinery'. It would be more natural for a Japanese person to call someone that they didn't know too well by their last name, often with some kind of honorific. Yamaki knows them so well that he doesn't use an honorific, but he still calls them by their last name because he's not really close to them. To be perfectly honest, I can't remember how he addresses them in the series, though if I really wanted to find out, it wouldn't be that hard. So I'm making an educated guess.

—Dreamstrider


	6. Chapter 5

So many people…

Bunkyô is _packed_. I can't believe this many people are here to see some singer. Maybe there's something to this whole enka thing, after all…

"Mituo-kun", Zyan-kun says as we make our way through the crowd outside the Bunkyô Station. "Which of Ms. Hibari's songs do you like the best?"

"Huh?" I say, surprised. "You like Misora Hibari too?"

"Yeah!" he says. "She's great!"

"Is that right?" my mom asks. "Zyan'yû-kun, you're very well cultured, aren't you."

Zyan-kun blushes. "Oh no, I don't think so! She's just a very good singer!"

"Well, that's very nice," Mom says with a smile, then turns back towards the crowd. We're getting pretty close to the Tôkyô Dome now. I guess I'm going to find out what all the fuss is about…

"So…what do you like from Ms. Hibari, Mituo-ty—kun!" Zyan-kun turns white all of a sudden. Did I just hear what I think I heard? No, no, it must be my imagination. My extremely _optimistic_ imagination…

"Oh! Well, actually…" I say slowly. "Actually, I've never really listened to Misora Hibari…"

For a second, Zyan-kun looks at me confusedly, as if he's forgotten what we were just talking about. Then he collects himself. "Oh yeah…well, that's too bad, isn't it. But trust me, you'll love her!"

Then he's quiet. He looks ahead into the crowd and tries to keep his face from betraying the anxiety I saw a few seconds ago.

I'm concealing anxiety, too. Do I dare to hope? That Zyan-kun really almost said what think he did? Is it possible that he really almost just called me…'Mituo-tyan'? And that he's so anxious because now _he's_ afraid I'll think _he's_ a homosexual?

No, it can't possibly be that. I mean, what are the odds? I'm so hopeless…

I have to get over that fact that Zyan-kun is _normal_. The best I can possibly hope for is that he never finds out about me. That way, we can still be friends. I can definitely deal with that. I'm sure of it! I just hope that it works out that way...

Anyway! We're getting pretty close now…

Yeah! Actually I can see the Tôkyô Dome now.

Damn, that's a lot of people…

After about twenty minutes of waiting, and my mom's composure going from that of non-visible nervousness to almost-but-still-not-quite-visible worry, we finally get near to the front of the crush. At the entrance to the building, there is a man directing the people (in an orderly line) into the concert hall. He checks everyone's tickets and they enter calmly, one-by-one.

When we do make it to the front, the man checks our tickets and we go in. Mom seems relieved again, and also a bit excited, too, though her face only betrays a bit of excitement. I glance at Zyan-kun, who's grinning a little, but looks a bit worried every so often.

"Zyan-kun," I say with a bit of confusion in my voice. "Why do you like Misora Hibari so much?"

He looks at me weirdly for a second, and then takes on a pondering expression. "Mituo-kun…well, I guess it's just because she's such a good singer, you know? She's a _really_ good singer, Mitsuo-kun, I'm sure you'll love her!"

"I hope so!" I say back cheerfully. I'm starting to wonder how it is that I've never listened to this woman sing before, considering she seems so popular. Well, if Zyan-kun likes her, then I'm sure I will too!

Now we're being shuffled into the concert hall. And it's huge! It needs to be, to fit all the people from outside into it, after all. There's a huge stage at the far end of the room, and the audience is spread out all over the room on all three sides. I don't think I've ever seen such a big room!

"Amazing!" Mom exclaims. "No less for Ms. Hibari, right?"

"Please hurry up!" says one of the ushers loudly to the people near us. "Ms. Hibari will start soon!"

There are some uniformed people who help us find our seats. Everyone gets in and into a seat in about seven minutes. We wait for a few more minutes as the ushers assure us that 'Ms. Hibari will be ready any minute now'. The excitement is so tangible in the room that I think I could reach out and touch it if I tried to. Then, all of a sudden, music starts. It's a sad-sounding piano tune. Then we see a huge projection screen, and it shows an image of Ms. Misora.

Wow…now that's an outfit! She looks like…well, like some kind of huge bird! There's a dress and headdress made from long, black feathers, complete with what look like large black earrings. The words "Never-Ending Journey" appear on the screen. Then she starts to sing, and…

Zyan-kun was definitely right, she's amazing singer! The song's pretty sad, but the singing's so beautiful it almost doesn't matter. Maybe…maybe this is the point of enka after all: just sing something really sad in a really beautiful way and somehow—_somehow_—it works out. _Somehow_!

Wow, this stuff really makes you think, doesn't it? I guess…maybe I should have given enka more of a chance when Mom tried to show it me before. I look at her. She's looks like she's in pure awe and amazement. She claps at the intervals between songs, like almost everyone else. Then I look at Zyan-kun. He seems to be thinking about what he's listening to really carefully, but it's also obvious he's awed by 'Ms. Hibari'. For some reason, his expression right now is really…appealing.

I turn back to face the screen, trying to banish 'such thoughts' from my head.

Ms. Misora finishes her song and disappears from the screen. It turns blue and displays the word 'phoenix'. Then, the outlines of two golden phoenixes 'fly' across the screen, and it turns black.

Then, a spotlight shines on the stage, and illuminates 'Ms. Hibari' in the same outfit as she had on in the picture, the 'phoenix' costume. She's standing on a small platform which rises up slowly, as the next song's music begins to play. I think I've heard this one somewhere before…

The platform goes higher, and the crowd is wild with applause. I look over at Mom, and she looks like an excited schoolgirl. Then again, when I look around, almost _everyone_ here, male _and_ female, looks rather like an excited schoolgirl.

Now the top of the platform moves down the ramp that has been created and brings 'Ms. Hibari' down closer to the audience. This second song is…rather sad too, but still nice. Then she starts to sing a third song, and this time I recognize it, since even I've heard it before: 'Tôkyô Kid'.

She keeps singing, one song after another. Every time there's a pause in the singing, I hear thunderous applause. There's…a lot that's sad, that's for sure. After about a half an hour, she starts to sing some upbeat songs, like one about 'Port-Town Number Thirteen', another about martial arts, and one about a rickshaw driver and a letter to a love interest. There's a lot about alcohol here, too. Then, after a few minutes, the music stops and she bows, then begins to speak. She welcomes everybody and thanks us for coming. She talks almost tearfully about some of her previous personal issues, and the crowd is enthralled. Then she starts singing again, and continues for about twenty minutes, finishing with really upbeat song. Then the stage lights go off and the main lights come back on, and the intermission starts.

I look to Zyan-kun; he has a wide grin on his face.

"Wasn't that amazing?" he asks.

"Yeah!" I say. "You were right, she's a _really_ great singer!"

"Mituo, aren't you happy you came now?" my mom asks.

"Yes, Mother," I say, lowering my upper body a bit. "Thank you so much!"

"Thank you again, Mrs. Yamaki," Zyan-kun says to my mom, and does the same.

"It's nothing," she responds with a even less pronounced 'bow'.

We sit excitedly for a few minutes, and then the lights go out again. Suddenly, Ms. Hibari's voice sounds out through the darkness. I can see her outline on the stage. Then, when she finishes the first line of the song, the lights flash on all at once. Now, she's changed into a red cape with a hat that makes her look a bit like a moving rose. She sings several more songs, until, after about ten minutes, the music becomes distinctly different. She starts to sing about sitting at a bar and drinking to drown her sorrows. She talks about a lost lover. In the middle, there's a spoken part, and she begins to cry during it. She sits down on the platform in the middle of the stage, and finishes the song.

I can't help but feel like that song is almost _exactly_ how I feel about Zyan-kun sometimes. Like I just need something to forget my 'sorrows'. I look at him. He looks…sort of sad, actually. Like he's affected by this song too. As Ms. Hibari begins her next song, I think back on what happened before, in the crowd, when I could have sworn that Zyan-kun almost called me 'Mituo-tyan'. But then I push it away again. Just my optimistic imagination, it has to be that…

After that song, she begins to speak again. She makes a few jokes, and then talks about the drinking song, which she says is called 'Sad Drinks'. She relates it to some of her own life experience. I feel like I sort of understand her, through this.

She starts singing again, and sings for a good twenty minutes before reaching another song that makes me pause. It starts out talking about rain, but it's really part of a parable about people. At the third verse, it starts talking about love, and its overpowering hold on a person. Like before, I feel a pang as I think about Zyan-kun, but I don't look at him again because I'm afraid it would be too obvious.

When she finishes that song, she talks again. The uniformed men run out again and start handing out green glow-sticks to the audience members, telling us to wave them around during the last song. As sad music plays, she says that this will be her last song, and thanks the audience. Then, she begins to sing for the last time. She starts out by singing the chorus from her first song, about the 'never-ending journey' of life. Then she begins a new song, and the lyrics burn themselves into my mind:

_Once you__ ha__ve decided__ t__o __change __yourself__,_

_Th__at__ is __what __a person'__s__ meaning is, that is the__ w__ay of life__,_

_Don't cry, don't lose yourself__, e__ven __with__ all the__ pain__,_

_All people__ are__ hope__ful__, a__nd all people are playful__._

_The snow's depth hides__ w__hat is buried beneath__,_

_Wheat begins to sprout__, w__aiting for the spring__,_

_The ordeal of life__ i__s to lay oneself open for the world__,_

_Penetrating our pride__, w__e become __recogni__z__able__._

_In my breast__,__ my spirit__ b__urns like a flame__,_

_I__'ve__ decided to take this road__ a__t __full speed__,_

_I'll exert myself tomorrow__, o__n this road of life__,_

_Where t__he flowers blow__ a__nd blo__s__som in the wind__._

Ms. Hibari walks down the long stage as the music plays again and again, as she waves at the audience. The hall is lit up by a shower of green lights from the glow-sticks. When she reaches the front, she stretches out her arms triumphantly, and the audience stands up and applauds like crazy. Several confetti 'geysers' shoot up from the stage. I stand up too, in a sort of a daze, and applaud like everyone else. But in my mind, there's only one thought, different from what everyone else is thinking:

Tomorrow, I'm going to tell Zyan-kun. I'm going to tell him that I love him.

* * *

Notes: Wow, that was a long chapter, wasn't it? Hope there are still people reading this…

Okay, first off: I was not alive when the Tôkyô Dome Performance (which was called the '不死鳥コンサート' (_Husityô Konsâto_;'Phoenix Concert') when it happened, because it was meant to symbolize Misora's (unfortunately short-lived) return to good health; phoenixes being a symbol for good health; hence the dress) happened, so I can't claim to have been there personally. However, I am fortunate enough to have access to the video of it, and this is where I'm getting my descriptions, though I have, let's say, 'imagined' a few of the details that I couldn't find out from watching the video. If anyone reading this _was_ there, or if they just happen to know more than me, then please let them feel free to fill me in the details; I may even change it if someone brings up something especially egregious.

Because I can see the video, I'm referencing actual songs in my descriptions. A few that I allude to are '悲しき口笛' (_Kanasiki Kutibue_; 'Sad Whistle'; the second one), '東京キッド' (_Tôkyô_ _Kiddo_; 'Tôkyô Kid'), '柔' (_Yawara_; 'Zyûzitu'; the one about martial arts), '港町十三番地' (_Minato Mati Zyûsan Banti_; 'Port-Town Number Thirteen'), '車やさん' (_Kurumayasan_; 'Mr. Driver'; the one about the rickshaw driver and the letter), '愛燦燦' (_Ai San San_; I'm not really sure how to translate this; the second to last one), and of course, '悲しい酒' (_Kanasî Sake_; 'Sad Drinks'; this story's name-sake). The song at the beginning is called '終わりなき旅' (_Owarinaki Tabi_; 'Never-Ending Journey'), and the one at the end is called '人生一路' (_Zinsê Itiro_; 'The Road of Life'). As for the translation of that song, you have to take it with a grain of salt, because most enka songs, but especially this one, are _very_ hard to translate, because they're often very metaphysical and parabolic. This translation is the best I could come up with, but I tried pretty hard since this is my favorite song. As for the recurring 'this song is really sad' thing, enka is known for being, essentially, sad or nostalgic ballad music. When I once heard the enka singer JERO in concert, he said 'eighty percent of enka songs are sad', which pretty much sums it up. I would also add that the other twenty percent are about life and are really confusing, even for native Japanese speakers (Zinsê Itiro being a prime example).

And speaking of all this, you may be wondering about the whole 'Ms. Hibari' thing. In Japanese, people often refer to Misora affectionately as 'ひばりさん' (_Hibari-san_), and Ms. Hibari is pretty much an exact translation. The fact that Yamaki progresses from referring to her as 'Ms. Misora' to ' 'Ms. Hibari' ', to 'Ms. Hibari' is a sign of him gaining more and more respect and appreciation for her as he listens to her sing.

By the way, I made up the date of the 23rd of April for the concert because I couldn't find out _when_ in April it took place. However, since then, I've found out the correct date, which is the 11th. I may go back and change it, but I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Also, when Yamaki refers to Zyan'yû as 'normal' (meaning 'heterosexual'), this is again a purposeful attempt to portray the attitudes of the times. It would be unlikely that a person would call themselves or someone else 'straight' in that time, because the concept of someone being 'gay' was not really recognized by much of society yet. I thought about using 'heterosexual', but while 'homosexual' at this time was a common term for a gay person without a sense of being overly formal and technical, 'heterosexual' would probably seem quite technical and formal. As with the word 'homosexual' (except even more-so with this one), referring to a straight person as 'normal', especially in the presence of someone who isn't straight, is going to be _very_ offensive, and may result in your being forced to commit gay seppuku (couldn't resist, Ori!).

I should mention the reason for Yamaki's absolute refusal to even consider the idea that Zyan'yû might be gay. At this time, the identity of being 'gay' was either non-existent or so new that even gay people still weren't exactly sure what to do with it, depending on which country and what part of that country you lived in. As for the view of gay people in Japan, it's harder to say what people would have thought at that time because I don't know anyone who has personal experience with Japan in the late eighties. However, the best way to describe Japan as a place for people who are gay right now is 'safe'. Because of a societal focus on modesty, in general, neither straight nor gay people are very open about sexuality, but in general, Japanese people are, at the worst, uncomfortable with gay people; I've never heard of an instance of bias crimes against gay people in Japan. Of course, there are definitely exceptions, but this is only meant as a general statement, not an assessment of the entire country. I would contrast this with the country I currently live in, where bias crimes are rather common, but gay people feel a bit more comfortable being open about their sexualities (at least in some places). I think I'd rather be safe albeit a bit more hidden, but that's just my opinion.

Finally, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put this story on a five-week hiatus, since I'll be at camp and won't be able to post anything from there. I'll try to work on it and the sixth chapter (which is already almost done) should be posted at the end of the five weeks.

Please, people, review! I'd really love to know if it's worth continuing this, or if no-one actually cares. Even if you want to flame me, I suppose that's better than nothing!

—Dreamstrider


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